Great expectations with a twist
June 18, 2025
It is never too late to be what you might have been.—George Eliot
For years I berated myself for caring too much about what others think. I did find some comfort in learning over time that a lot of people feel this way. Self-help gurus like to tell us not to give in to others’ expectations, be they from a parent, a teacher, or a random social media influencer. They advise us to be the person we wish to be, not the one others want us to be. All those TED talkers (and 19th-century authors) wouldn’t be saying that if such insecurity weren’t so common, I like to tell myself.
But let’s admit: It is hard not to wonder what someone we’ve just met really means when they say even something as benign as, “Nice meeting you,” or, when we’ve cooked a meal, a guest saying, “Thank you for a lovely dinner.” We all say these things ourselves, but in truth, we want more when we’re on the receiving end. We would like to know, or just get a glimpse, of how another person’s experience of us made them feel. Did they like us? Did they like the dish?
And therein lies the twist. Our private thoughts are not as self-centered as they sound. Maybe it isn’t that we care what others think. Maybe it’s that we care how they feel. That’s different, and far more merciful and abiding. If we all turned toward that, the world might be a more peaceful place.